In photography there is a billion ways to define “sad”. You see, there could be a million photos to describe one emotion. And for me, it’s a girl wearing a shirt and jeans staring blankly at the horizon as if there’s a spectacle to be seen. It’s a girl drawing on her pad trying to get lost in her doodle, which she wants to call distraction. It’s a girl lying down on her bed late at night, looking up at the ceiling, and thinking about how everything was easier when all she had were boy problems. It’s a girl wishfully thinking to go back to just those boy problems. It’s a girl whose heart aches for distant places she’s never laid her eyes on. It’s a girl who cannot describe how she feels about this guy she doesn’t know if she met. It’s a girl confused of which path to take, if it’s better to have a detour or just abandon the path all together. It’s a girl who, above all else, want to understand herself. It’s a girl who acknowledges the hurt she caused her parents. It’s a girl who is trying to figure out how to solve the problem without having to say an apology because in her heart she would’ve done the same thing again if given a do-over. It’s a girl judged by the old generation. It’s a girl holding back the tears that are so willing to escape her eyes. It’s a girl who can smile despite all her problems. It’s a girl trying to define her feelings but no language seems to capture it so perfectly.
Today, the last day of May, I have decided to not make love the top priority. Now when I say love, I mean being in a romantic relationship with someone, going on dates, having those firsts— the whole thing. I have decided to do such not because I’m bitter about not finding it and continuously being disappointed and hurt by different guys. I decided because right now, I am wondering about my future. MY FUTURE meaning what the fuck are my real dreams? Where the hell would I end up in? How the hell will I end up there? and of course, what on earth is the life that I actually deserve? Stuff like that are far more important to me right now. If love comes, then I am grateful. But if it doesn’t, then I’m okay with it. I have decided from now and until whenever, I will focus on myself and my dogs. I want to figure out myself; I want to be successful and my best friend said that success is all in our attitude, all in our heads. If we believe we’ll succeed then for sure we will. What does success mean for you? —now that is my starting point.
So goodbye for now, I shall define my kind of success. I challenge you to do yours.
Thank you for ruining my morning by telling me how bad I’ve failed my thesis and have to repeat it again next year, January. Thank you for pointing it out that I’ve no right to do school work today because there will be visitors coming and I have to help clean up though I have a sister, who’s just sitting and using her ipad all day. AND MOST OF ALL, thank you for ruining the schedule I made for myself today.
I have always loved it when a show leads me to the perfect songs. They come hand in hand, a good scene can only be better with the perfect music (and silence is still music, FYI). Take The Vampire Diaries, that series gave birth to A MILLION good songs; and before that, we had One Tree Hill, this one introduced music to my heart. For me, life would be boring and meaningless without a soundtrack. I couldn’t imagine going by a day without listening to even just one song.
Now, until I watched Reign, the only series that I’m able to relate to and loved the music so much is One Tree Hill. I love how One Tree Hill gave birth to Naley and the amazing development of the characters. And now, I love Reign, because though it’s in a different era and I am no queen, the emotions, the problems, love…everything is relatable. The music transcends you, the story opens your eyes to history, the script leaves you in awe and the characters are like little mirrors that reflect who you are and what you truly feel inside. It is such an amazing show that I wish everyone would notice. It’s not just three kids playing kings and queens. It’s more than that; it’s a show with fiery emotions that when lit, can awe and burn.
So my aunt sent me a BBM asking what exercise I do, and for a minute I stopped and thought hard about it. Then I realized I cannot explain what I actually do. I mean, yes I do Pilates and Yoga on a daily basis because I’m still traumatized by my back injury years ago; I do cardio but my cardio ranges from jumping jacks to dancing in my room, and I am too embarrassed to tell her that. So I just decided to tell her I do PiYo (Pilates and Yoga fusion). Piyo if you search for it is a fusion of pilates and yoga. Basically, it’s the more flexible kind of pilates and yoga and is therefore, suitable for those people who easily get bored. Like me.
I dunno if this helps but for what it’s worth, it’s actually fun to do. You should give a try!
P.S. I think I just found my mantra “Slim down, tone up, shape up yourself inside out.”
So I didn’t pass thesis this term meaning I will take it again next term. Like how crappy can that get? What must I do to finish college? Been there done that, still the same result though. Am I a failure? Because if I am, I’d like to know now so I would stop trying to be better. Because striving for something good ALL THE TIME FOR ALMOST FIVE YEARS NOW is pretty shitty. I’m due for some good karma, and I MEAN GOOD KARMA. Something that won’t last for just a few months. I want it to last forever. I’ve learned a lot already, I need to feel like I’m going heading towards the right direction. I’m tired of detours. I need a sign.
Why is that when someone tells me they tried an exercise I was doing I would sometimes end up like, ‘WHY DID YOU TRY? It’s my thing. Not yours.’ I act as if there’s competition and I have to win. Or maybe I’m possessive like that? It’s hard to tell. I don’t get it why I feel it towards some people and I don’t towards some. Maybe I’m afraid they’d get results and I won’t? I want it fixed but how do you fix what you’re thinking? Positive thinking? How does that even work? Think of something positive and that’s it? I need specifics. And I need it soon before I blow up into a freaking hulk. Any tips?
1. They help you decipher reality through intricately theorized empirical evidence you jointly gather from Facebook and Twitter. Oh, the person you like tweeted that they are tired today? Yeah they’re tired. Of missing you. Not to mention you talk about the same things re: your crush/ex/whatever and somehow it always seems like fresh, original conversation.
2. You (platonically) sleep in the same bed and even cuddle and don’t think anything of it.
3. You give each other all of the really extremely intimate details of your personal lives and nobody cringes or says they don’t want to know about that… you just nod and continue to analyze. And then ask the pressing questions no one else will.
4. They know all of your passwords and you can essentially combine your social media outlets to create power houses for creeping. Just another little perk of having someone who trusts you…